Brokenness

I’ve never felt really broken before in my life. You might think I’m totally crazy to be wanting feel what true brokenness feels like but let me tell you: one who’s been through true brokenness and still survives is one to be respected for his or her outstanding perseverance and strength. I may be a little young to be feeling brokenness but I want to reach 18 years old with a different “me”…

In my life, I’ve seen many broken people, in movies and TV series mainly. Yes, the misery and stories portrayed with the acting are all convincing enough but I can only understand it but not feel it.

Closer to feeling than just merely understanding brokenness… I’d say is through a few friends of mine in my life. Out of respect for their privacy, I’ll not mention their names nor tell their stories entirely accurately but I’ll make some references to tell you what I’ve learnt from them…… and how I want to possibly feel… broken…

One was humiliated before reaching the age of realisation. Another lost the father through a divorce between the parents. Another lost the mother just… some time ago. Another was humiliated and is now a pro-feminism future-potential-humanitarian/activist.

Comparing my own “miserable”, “mundane and draining”, “uninteresting” and “tough” life with any of theirs, I feel so ashamed right now.

We just got back our Project Work results last week, I got a deserved B but I was upset with two things: 1) my groupmates got Bs and one a C, 2) that our group should’ve all gotten As or at most with me getting B while they get their deserving As but that just didn’t happen! Even so, I didn’t feel anywhere near broken.

After I found out that one of those friends of mine whose life been through broken times got a B while the rest of the team got As with a particular person getting A without even putting in 50% of the effort the friend of mine has put in, this friend of mine got so disappointed and hopeless with school went to get the withdrawal form and actually filled it up. Another instance of someone I know broken but again, I still can’t feel anything but only understand, or worse, tries to understand.

I don’t want to feel suicidal, or gives up in the whole world or humanity, nor do I want to feel that even my family and best of friends can’t help me at all but I want to feel broken, broken enough to teach me a tough life lesson, broken enough that overcoming whatever may be will make me a much stronger person with wisdom and perseverance.

I remember watching a Chinese ancient-fantasy TV series where a paladin was training to attain inner peace and wisdom but couldn’t because he didn’t know what could bring about wisdom the best and fastest possible way, later which he found out to be brokenness. I feel just like him now.

I want to feel broken. I want to be stronger person. I need to be a stronger person. I need to feel broken.